remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
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Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile