Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
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Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?
Does anybody know if this service is still available?
Thanks in advance.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…