Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.