Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
You Might Also Like
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Mornin
How to find Kentucky on a map
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog