Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
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Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
how high up are we talkin’?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Mission: Impossible
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.