Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
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My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.