Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
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Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
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Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
A completely valid reaction tbh
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
How to draw a duck
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The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe![]()
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.