Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.