Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
You Might Also Like
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.