Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
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My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I’m not proud
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!