Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

Can you solve the riddle??

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.