Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
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They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
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The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer