Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

Just me?

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut