Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

👀

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

Only short people can save us