Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.