Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
You Might Also Like
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.