@WilliamAder

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

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@FrazzleMyGimp

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

@suzieQ0007

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

@climaxximus

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

@junejuly12

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

@ConanOBrien

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

@McGrumpenstein

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

@murrman5

titanic but with Jackie Chan
“so he like fights the iceberg?”
no everything is exactly the same

@BaileyXPaige

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

@kimwilliamz

When somebody I blocked gets RT’d into my timeline it’s like they’re violating their restraining order.

@TheRolo

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4