Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
You Might Also Like
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Gods work.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff