Wife: I’m leaving you
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!
Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
titanic but with Jackie Chan
“so he like fights the iceberg?”
no everything is exactly the same
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
When somebody I blocked gets RT’d into my timeline it’s like they’re violating their restraining order.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]
Hipster: I’ll take 4