Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
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My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I put the p in pants.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.