Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
You Might Also Like
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.