Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
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Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
forgive me baja for i have blast
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Okay me first
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.