Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
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yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.