Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
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This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
shampoo implies shampee
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes