Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

the chicken was already gone when I got here

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

craving $300 all of a sudden

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?