Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
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Feels
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.