Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
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Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
When the stylist spins you back around
