Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
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Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Be vigilant
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
What’s a Messi?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that