Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
My funeral
My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.