Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
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I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I’m not stressed
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.