Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now