remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
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Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
🤭😂
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.