remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
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“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
The smoothest fall of all time
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?