Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

If you want my opinion ask my wife

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old