Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
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If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
mom had nothing to worry about
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”