Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
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I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
🤣😂🤣😂
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.