Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
You Might Also Like
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
My love language is hissing.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters