Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

New favorite tiktok

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough