Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays