Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what