Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
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“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”