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As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.