remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?