remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed