Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.