Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Anime is real
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?