Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess