Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really