Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

Mmmm canned fish.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times