Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Birds & Planes.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.