Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”