remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
me, after any kind of buffet.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.