Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
50 shades of grey = my Liver