Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying