@Wussawilla

Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?

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@dafloydsta

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

@TheAndrewNadeau

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

@BringDaNoyz

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

@Browtweaten

Son: Why are we doing this?

Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have

Daughter: Well I’m mortified

Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!

@nottheworstmom

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

@Mikecanrant

Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.

@_steamy_mac

Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.