Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?

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Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, “My God… What was I on and do I have any left?”?


ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no


Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.


Insta before videos: hey look at my sushi !
Insta with videos: hey look at my sushi for 15 seconds !


what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves


My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.


During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.


[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up