They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
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“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.