[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?
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To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
When your pirate friend wants to join in…
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Son: Why are we doing this?
Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have
Daughter: Well I’m mortified
Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!
Finals come around and now you like the library?
Name 3 of their songs
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.
Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.