@dafloydsta
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
@Wussawilla
Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?
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@dafloydsta
@GrabTheWEness
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
@bracealmighty
When your pirate friend wants to join in…
@TheAndrewNadeau
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
@BringDaNoyz
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
@Browtweaten
Son: Why are we doing this?
Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have
Daughter: Well I’m mortified
Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!
@DailyMemeSuppIy
Finals come around and now you like the library?
Name 3 of their songs
@nottheworstmom
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
@Mikecanrant
Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.
@_steamy_mac
Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.