@Wussawilla

Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?

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@SaltyCorpse

Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, “My God… What was I on and do I have any left?”?

@truegritrumble

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

@HatfieldAnne

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

@causticbob

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

@SkylarTessier8

Insta before videos: hey look at my sushi !
Insta with videos: hey look at my sushi for 15 seconds !

@frickashley

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

@6stringSpecial

My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.

@hangin_out

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

@fowlerism

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET