Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
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Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
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[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
never compromise your values
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.