Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.