Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
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My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
This one’s “Alex”.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes