Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Reverend_Scott

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

@MartaEffing

I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.

@Contwixt

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

@samalmightysam

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

@platinum2000

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

@WhatevaConc

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

@mommatotwo_

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

@TeaPainUSA

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

@HiddenPinky

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.