@bfrosty04

Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly?

God I miss my ‘Thirties’….

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@AngelaEhh

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

@ericsshadow

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

@realHamOnWry

My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player. I want us to see other people.

@LuvPug

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

@Arrogant_Twat

Tell someone you love them today, because life is short.
But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.

@DrakeGatsby

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

@SuperTeeWhy

[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk]

“Son, when-”

*Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes*

“Know what, we’re good”