It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
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I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
He’s dead
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”