Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly?

God I miss my ‘Thirties’….

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Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.


I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.


I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.


While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.


I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*


The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.



I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.


If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.


A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*