We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
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Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.