Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?