Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain