@HlaoRoo

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

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@Try2StopME

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

@_The_Man__

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

@outsmartedmommy

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

@Bagyants

I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like “Let’s name it Rad!” and one guy was all “Let’s dial that back a bit.”

@R0ckG0d88

A gag order but for people that go “ahhhh” after every sip of coffee.

@rickygervais

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

@KateWhineHall

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

@ChaseMit

Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.

@BoothysTweets

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

@LifeAsBros

“Police! Open up!” “No, you’re gonna yell at me”