Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
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I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I am a gravy boat captain
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.