Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

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*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.


wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about


Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.


I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like “Let’s name it Rad!” and one guy was all “Let’s dial that back a bit.”


A gag order but for people that go “ahhhh” after every sip of coffee.


Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.


Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.


Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.


[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]


“Police! Open up!” “No, you’re gonna yell at me”