Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
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Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
#Caturday
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground