Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
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Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.