Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
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The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money