Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
You Might Also Like
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.