Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

Monday

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

i love meeting boys on tinder

Merica.

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.