Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married