Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
You Might Also Like
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
