Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
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wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
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ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Once again not all heroes wear capes
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.