Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
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*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Sounds like a bargain
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Battery falling down a hole
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire