Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
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“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
damn he’s good
When does CPR become necrophilia?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
You can’t rush stupid.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.