Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
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Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder