Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Cndnsd Mlk