Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
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Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font