Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
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babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
go easy on yourself <3
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah