Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sniffing the broccoli

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach