“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
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me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
How do you like your Corgi?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”