Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
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No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Cndnsd Mlk
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing