Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.