Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
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GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
