Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”