Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??