Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”