Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?

In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work