Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Smallpox sounds so adorable
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil